My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
You Might Also Like
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical