My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
The news
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*