GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.