While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.