Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*