Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
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Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
LMAO
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’