wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely