Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
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“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
United Steaks of America
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Breaking news:
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them