I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
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People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Trumpy Cat
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”