I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
early stone age tool
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.