Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
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If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday