Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice