A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.