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All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Noah was an idiot.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: