Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
synchronized noseblowing
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank