There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
me irl
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??