Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Very good news from my accountant
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.