People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
You Might Also Like
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.