No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
馃毇No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Kid鈥檚 tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
When someone tailgates me I let them know I鈥檓 angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Terribly Tuesday.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
can鈥檛 believe I got front row seats
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
Based Erika
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas