My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.