Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Labreador
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?