Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
You Might Also Like
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
i think we should see other cousins
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face: