We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.