Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
#SCOTUS one-star review
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.