Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
knights of the ikea table
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*