Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
He took my last fry, your honor
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.