Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
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Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
How did we not see this back then?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
So that’s what we looked like?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
yeah no that’s fair
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.