[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
just pretend nothing happened
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no