Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan