frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Boom, boom, ching!
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British