The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You Might Also Like
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.