Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.