In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
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*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Personal question. #JustSaying
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.