ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
WHY?!
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.