Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no