True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
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I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He鈥檒l have to mow round me, I鈥檓 not moving.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Secret Panel HERE 馃
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you鈥檙e a giraffe
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.