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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
ugh not again
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.