My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me