My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.