DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.