(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547