Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
August 8
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Breaking news:
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me