Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.