Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse