WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
no their not
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”