me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
The photographer’s assistant
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”