Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
You Might Also Like
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Hello Twits.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
HR said no more nunchucks.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Ok team, today we’re …..oh