SHE SAID YES!! ππππππ i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
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There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
If yahoo! hasnβt given up then why should I??
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like βhave her back by 2200 hoursβ and I didnβt know military time but I was ok at maths and was like βsure, see you in 3 monthsβ
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
βStill too cold… Still too cold…β
βScrew it, I canβt be late again.β
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which youβve unsubscribed to multiple times
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one