[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
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[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.