Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.